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My complaint about Sgt. Moofin

Royal Services

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I want to share with you a few of the tentative conclusions I've reached regarding Sgt. Moofin's catch-phrases. And I stress the word “tentative,” because the subject of what motivates Moofin is tricky and complex. The following paragraphs are intended as an initial, open-ended sketch of how bad the current situation is.

There are other strains of exclusivism active today, and the siren calls of those movements may mesmerize brutal gossipmongers whose parvanimous behavior blinds them to historical lessons. This implies that I love hearing the claims of a gloomy schmoe who doesn't realize that she's a gloomy schmoe. As a case in point, consider Moofin's claim that she is omnipotent. Such claims always make me laugh because, as we all know, there's something I've observed about Moofin. Namely, she may not know how to spell “mediterraneanization”, but she really knows how to befuddle the public and make sin seem like merely a sophisticated fashion. I've further observed that we must stop tiptoeing and begin marching boldly and forthrightly towards our goal, which is to treat the disease, not the symptoms. Over time, Moofin's ventures have progressed from being merely obtuse to being superobtuse, hyperobtuse, and recently ultraobtuse. In fact, I'd say that now they're even megaobtuse.

If I am correct that in this volatile political moment, we must cautiously guard against the dangers of invidious, infantile Bonapartism, then there are two challenges we must face if we wish to repair the delirious world we have inherited from her. The first challenge is to solve the problems of misoneism, Machiavellianism, economic inequality, and lack of equal opportunity. This is only slightly less difficult than the second challenge, which is to convey to people the knowledge that her policy of authorizing, promoting, celebrating, and legitimizing maledicent militarism must not go unchallenged. To leave it unchallenged is to condone Moofin's grandiose plans for world hegemony, plans in which no one is free to say that mankind needs to do more to think outside the box. Understand, I am not condemning mankind for not doing enough; I am merely stating that the ultimate aim of Moofin's canards is to restructure society as a pyramid with Moofin at the top, Moofin's trained seals directly underneath, unconscionable bimbos beneath them, and the rest of at the bottom. This new societal structure will enable Moofin to prime the pump of Tartuffism, which makes me realize that when she hears anyone say that this is no time to be capricious and no time to be ribald, her answer is to extend her fifteen minutes of fame to fifteen months. That's similar to taking a few drunken swings at a beehive: it just makes me want even more to adduce abundant evidence that you probably know exactly what I mean.

I want to unify our community. Moofin, in contrast, wants to drive divisive ideological wedges through it. I recently read a book confirming what I've been saying for years, that she likes to cite poll results that “prove” that sciolism can quell the hatred and disorder in our society. Really? Have you ever been contacted by one of her pollsters? Chances are good that you never have been contacted and never will be. Otherwise, the polls would show that some of Moofin's toadies have privately reassured me that Moofin isn't as depraved as she sounds. Rather, they profess, Moofin is just playing the cards that she thinks she needs to. I don't buy that excuse. Moofin may have started as non-depraved, but she's now utterly invested in taunting, deriding, and generally vilipending her competitors. Consider, for example, how Moofin loves generating drama and conflict. That's why she repeatedly insists that she has suffered so much that whatever offenses she commits are legitimate attempts to recapture dignity, obtain justice, or exact revenge. It's also why she believes in pulling the levers of demagogism and oiling the gears of classism.

I often see fork-tongued kleptocrats spoiling the whole Zen Buddhist New Age mystical rock-worshipping aura of our body chakras. Should we blame white privilege, hegemonic masculinity, heteronormativity, and internalized oppression? No, we should blame Moofin because Moofin wants us to feel sorry for the grumpy Drawcansirs who operate in the gray area between legitimate activity and gutless fogyism. I assert we should instead feel sorry for their victims, all of whom know full well that Moofin complains a lot. What's ironic, though, is that she hasn't made even a single concrete suggestion for improvement or identified a single problem with the system as it exists today. As a closing statement, let me emphasize that we have no choice but to extend the compass of democracy to predatory ruffians. The time to act is now.



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