Mental Health is Important - My story

[Hope]

(Before you read, if you don't care about the topic then you are entitled to feel that way. I am writing this because if by some chance I am able to influence or help at least one person out there, then it is worth it and if you cannot respect that then I am politely asking you to not post on my thread.)

Hello OSBot, I... quite honestly don't know how to word this properly but I'll just speak from the heart about the some of the past events in my life and how it has affected the way I am today. For me, growing up was quite literally a nightmare. Being verbally, mentally, and physically abused was a part of the daily norm and I was raised to hide that from others. When I say that my childhood was a living nightmare, I mean it. I was driven multiple times to take my life before the age of 14 because I couldn't handle it anymore. Because of my home-life, I was molded into one of the "quiet kids" in school growing up. I never spoke about my feelings and everything that bothered me I treated like the abuse at home - I kept it to myself and bottled it up.

I grew up hating my father because of what I went through because my whole life at the time I always asked myself, "Why me?" and "What did I do by being born to deserve this?" It honestly made me into a real sad sack of shit. I found it incredibly difficult to relate to people, I never gave anyone a chance to get to know me because I had so many walls built up, and I honestly didn't even know if I was worth receiving help anymore because I deemed myself as a "failure" because it was all I ever knew growing up.

Over the more recent years, my father grew to apologize to me in ways that I couldn't even imagine and for the first time in my life I felt that he actually cared about me. I know he didn't mean to fuck with me as bad as he did - but it was still unexcusable. Because of the abuse, I was mentally and emotionally ruined going into college and I felt it wasn't my fault. You know... last October I was at home with him, he was having heart surgery and he was a feeble old man. I loved him, don't ask me why, but for some reason... I was able to overlook all the pain and horrors he has made me endure growing up and I felt sorry for him. No man deserves to have his independence ripped from him. In my opinion, it is just as bad as a man having his sense of pride stripped from him.

Last October I was in the living room with my dad and he started screaming my name... I turned and I found him grabbing his heart area and the look of absolute fear in his face is one that will haunt me forever. I immediately called 911 and lied him down on the floor but when the ambulance came, he was as still as a log... almost dead. At that point in my life, I was actually starting to forgive my dad as well. I was starting to believe that he wasn't the monster that I always thought he was. I was honestly waiting for his birthday so that I could tell him "Dad I love you and I forgive you" for the first time in my entire life. But no, that never happened.

Instead I just stood there as the paramedics were shocking his chest. 1, 2, 3, clear - shock. I hit that point where nothing else mattered, any sounds were ignored and all I could hear was the counting and failed shock attempts to revive my dad. I wanted to look away, tell myself.. "No... this can't be real, my dad isn't gone... I still have to tell him I love you" but I couldn't. I couldn't look away. Every shock I felt like a part of my soul was being ripped out of me. I felt nothing but looked on, feeling this incredible emptiness fully consume me. Watching them take my dad to the hospital with a cover over his body as I stayed home to clean what was left of the chaos at home.

My life, with everybody telling me how sorry they were for my loss, I didn't care about all that. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I pushed my girlfriend out of my life and she tried so hard to help me go through this. Those walls that I was getting ready to break down for my dad were higher than ever... I felt alone. I would cry myself to sleep every night and I was haunted by the images of watching him pass as I helplessly stood by. I felt like I was just a mere shadow of what I once was, and my biggest regret to this day is that I never did once get to tell my dad I loved him. That still hits me hard...

Up until 2 weeks ago, I was feeling like this, completely empty and quite honestly. I was going to "Commit" (im sure you know what I mean by that).

Everything changed for me when I actually took my interpersonal communications class. Honestly, I was so terrified because everyday I was thinking about how I would commit. I was SCREAMING for somebody to help me on the inside but the words never came out.

But in my exams, I was able to leave little hints to my speech teacher that I needed help. He responded only through feedback to my exams but honestly, on Aug 3rd when I read his feedback, he stopped me from actually fulfilling the plan I had. That was supposed to be the day I took my own life, the day I let everything boil over because I couldn't handle it anymore. I would no longer be able to do anything else on Earth. What stopped me? I am sure he doesn't know but he said one thing that honestly changed my life at that point. He said, "Hey Jonathan, I know I could NEVER relate to how you feel about your loss, especially in the way it happened to you. But if there is one thing I know, it is that you have A PURPOSE on this planet. If you ever feel like you don't you push that bad voice out of you and you come straight to me - day or night call me and I will answer for you. Jonathans have to stick together."

When I read this, I felt like the whole world's weight was lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in my life, a complete STRANGER who I only let know just a small amount of my personal life showed me something that all my other family members hadn't. That he genuinely cared about me. Unlike him, my family was more interested in my inheritance from my dad and it hurt me so much. But to sum it all up, honestly... if you feel that you are alone in the world and that everything is crashing down on you... I don't blame you. I could go on for hours about my story and every detail but I don't have the time.

If you feel like you need help, SEEK SOMEONE OUT. I used to be an incredibly introverted person because of my childhood and it was hard. But once I did, by leaving little messages to my teacher... he opened up doors I thought would never be open-able again. He literally has saved my life and he has no idea how grateful I am about it. So my advice to everyone out there who is STRUGGLING and fighting their own mental battle, just know that you aren't alone. I have been there and honestly I almost ended it all. I almost lost EVERYTHING because I felt like I was nothing. It isn't like that though and it doesn't have to be. It is up to you to make the choice if you want to be helped. If that is too much, please call this number.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline : 1-800-273-8255

Ever since that day, I can confidently say that although I still face sadness from time to time. I am not as bad off as I was two weeks ago. I am currently working on rebuilding my life and also my social life. So far the future looks bright for me and I can attribute all that to my decision to ask for help in the smallest way possible. Just never lose hope everyone - there always is some to go around even when you feel like there is nothing left. Trust me, I've been there

-Hope

[Shmabu]

I'm incredibly proud of you for opening up about this. Good for you, honestly. Also good on you for passing your exams man! Seriously. You had every reason to quit but you didn't. Giving up is an easy option. Fighting through it is the hardest thing anyone with depression can do and you did it. Once the fight is over, it's so worth it. Life looks different and you learn to appreciate it more. If you don't mind me suggesting some self help books. Books that help improve your mental health. I'll pm you on discord. Take the negative energy from your anger and sadness and put that into something positive to help make your life better instead of giving up. Use it as your drive to succeed in life. You can't change the past but you can definitely change your future.

 

Glad you're still around. Thanks for this post.

[EzWin]

Sorry for your loss. Honestly, thank you for sharing your story. I'm not really good in situations like this cause I have trouble figuring out what to say, but hopefully from reading your post it opens someones eyes, whoever might be in a similar situation and realize that there really is more to life and no one should ever "commit". 

Edited August 17, 2018 by EzWin

[Krysler]

I read this when you posted it. although it was too early for me to give a semi decent reply.

You've gone through an emotional rollercoaster, and I really think you've handled it well... here last year a good friend of mine passed. This story helped me to understand what he went through in someway... So I appreciate the time you took to write your story and post it! Thank you @Hope  

[D Bolter]

thanks for sharing. glad someone made you feel like you actually matter, because you do!

[Hope]

15 hours ago, Abu said:

I'm incredibly proud of you for opening up about this. Good for you, honestly. Also good on you for passing your exams man! Seriously. You had every reason to quit but you didn't. Giving up is an easy option. Fighting through it is the hardest thing anyone with depression can do and you did it. Once the fight is over, it's so worth it. Life looks different and you learn to appreciate it more. If you don't mind me suggesting some self help books. Books that help improve your mental health. I'll pm you on discord. Take the negative energy from your anger and sadness and put that into something positive to help make your life better instead of giving up. Use it as your drive to succeed in life. You can't change the past but you can definitely change your future.

 

Glad you're still around. Thanks for this post.

 

14 hours ago, EzWin said:

Sorry for your loss. Honestly, thank you for sharing your story. I'm not really good in situations like this cause I have trouble figuring out what to say, but hopefully from reading your post it opens someones eyes, whoever might be in a similar situation and realize that there really is more to life and no one should ever "commit". 

 

7 hours ago, Dbuffed said:

Well done for overcoming your fears, I have had similar situations although my dad didn't have the same go on with him. My dad was a raging alcoholic and a drug abuser (not even joking), who one day decided it would be smart to bring a prostitute to my mums house and take her in my bedroom for the fun injection time.

After years and years of the same treatment, drugs before me, alcohol before me and family members before me I found it tiring. My mother although, despite me being an hard to deal with child did her best although that wasn't always the case. 

I'll be honest here, and i'll allow everyone to know what I mean, as I can somewhat relate to you in many many ways. My mother when I was "punished" for being naughty, I would get hit with a belt or a slipper or even the odd cup of coffee thrown over me. I have been bullied by groups of people, suffocated by my mother, played as a pawn so my dad can buy drugs and alcohol whilst I sit by as he takes them then drinks enough cider that it makes him pass out.

Even to today, despite me hating the actions of my parents as a child, I do love them. My dad until not long ago would make jokes of when I was a small child maybe 4-5 years old, and waking up early in the morning to find 5-10 bottles of cider around his front room to which if I was thirsty would obviously drink not knowing much better and pretty much passing out myself. As I said about my mother is enough, as she was a single parent struggling so I wont go there, let's just let it be known despite all the hard ass stuff I do on here and try to protect it, it's to make myself feel something for someone or something because I myself deal with depression on top of another mental illness which triggers me every day.

I have wanted to kill myself so many times I have lost count, I have sat there running blades down my arms and neck, threatened to jump infront of trains and tried to overdose myself more times than I can remember @Hope. I was numb until I met my soul mate, and whilst I only have reason to breath for her sake and my new family that we created, beyond that I am numb again, when I am away from them I am numb again. 

My problems got so bad I was sent away to boarding school for several years of my life. These years of my life I was at my worse, as you said yourself you built walls and so did I, I would hide myself in the grass terrain area surrounding myself with bushes and so on so I didn't have to be around anyone, if I wasn't doing that I was in a class room where a computer was playing either Command & Conquer (classic game) or Runescape surprisingly and we're talking 2002 time. Life has not been easy, but two things that kept me going was Runescape and so on, reminding myself I can escape from this shitty dark place we call the world and be something else, and now obviously my family and my partner. 

If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here to day, I would of killed myself back when I was 16 years old hanging out in an internet café doing what I do today, servicing people's accounts for gold whilst they sat there scamming people on the 1M to 10004gp trick, yes that's how long I have been playing the game. We all have pasts, and just as you find something to become a possible future like my mum did with her later husband 3 years ago, he died himself which destroyed my mother and our relationship which we still try to have today but it isn't the same.

If you hear me on a mic, you can ask people like Maldesto and Mio, i'm a bit of a ball of mess to speak to. I ramble on about the most strangest things because I am socially awkward myself, even to today 16 years moving on from all the hiding away in class rooms and bushes, I am still the same person. 

You know, sometimes I sit there and I feel so depressed. I feel like crying out of nowhere and I don't even know why, I watch romance films to try feel what I cannot at that time because I would rather feel something than nothing.



------

To sum it all up, trust me when I say you will find purpose. My purpose may not fully be there, anything past being a father being a husband and being me, but we all have value in this world. 

If you read some of my more serious threads you will understand my points and views on this, if you ask the people close to me like Krysler and like Jamesnoob, or even Maldesto and Dex, you will have a better understanding of what I mean. I have a close unit of friends on this website, they are what keep me thriving on this forum and not others. I don't like other forums all too much, sure I am there for the market and such but this is where I am the most active. 

As I say, you will find purpose beyond what you are told or believe my friend. it wont be easy, but you will. I am as you know dealing with blood clots in my legs, second series as we know it right now and my last one(s) got to my lower torso from my calves, the current appearing ones are in my knees so do the math and i'll be dead soon myself. I hope you find advice that suits you and I wish I could offer it, as even writing this and exploring my mind with more things to tell you to make you understand that everything will be fine it depresses me and upsets me. 

 

7 hours ago, D Bolter said:

thanks for sharing. glad someone made you feel like you actually matter, because you do!

I appreciate your words so much, guys. For me, It was an absolute nightmare (and I would be lying if I said that I don't have times when I get hella sad from time to time) but honestly, keeping myself busy I have found helps tons.

Starting to re-add people on Facebook that I haven't spoken to in years, some people I am so surprised still care enough about me to ask how I am and when are we meeting up. That honestly has shocked me so far this week. Also, you guys made a huge difference as well. When I joined the OSBot community I had my reasons, to work under @Dbuffed but that was motivated by my wanting and desire to belong somewhere. Because for the longest time I was alone and didn't really have a place to call "home" or people that I could willingly talk to and actually enjoy doing so. But I am incredibly glad to say that yall have made my grind to fix my life so much better.

Working on services, receiving help to be a gold farmer, and just posting in everyone's threads in general and getting to know the community just a little bit more every day. I appreciate that so much and it helped me so much. So really tysm yall for that