(Before you read, if you don't care about the topic then you are entitled to feel that way. I am writing this because if by some chance I am able to influence or help at least one person out there, then it is worth it and if you cannot respect that then I am politely asking you to not post on my thread.)
Hello OSBot, I... quite honestly don't know how to word this properly but I'll just speak from the heart about the some of the past events in my life and how it has affected the way I am today. For me, growing up was quite literally a nightmare. Being verbally, mentally, and physically abused was a part of the daily norm and I was raised to hide that from others. When I say that my childhood was a living nightmare, I mean it. I was driven multiple times to take my life before the age of 14 because I couldn't handle it anymore. Because of my home-life, I was molded into one of the "quiet kids" in school growing up. I never spoke about my feelings and everything that bothered me I treated like the abuse at home - I kept it to myself and bottled it up.
I grew up hating my father because of what I went through because my whole life at the time I always asked myself, "Why me?" and "What did I do by being born to deserve this?" It honestly made me into a real sad sack of shit. I found it incredibly difficult to relate to people, I never gave anyone a chance to get to know me because I had so many walls built up, and I honestly didn't even know if I was worth receiving help anymore because I deemed myself as a "failure" because it was all I ever knew growing up.
Over the more recent years, my father grew to apologize to me in ways that I couldn't even imagine and for the first time in my life I felt that he actually cared about me. I know he didn't mean to fuck with me as bad as he did - but it was still unexcusable. Because of the abuse, I was mentally and emotionally ruined going into college and I felt it wasn't my fault. You know... last October I was at home with him, he was having heart surgery and he was a feeble old man. I loved him, don't ask me why, but for some reason... I was able to overlook all the pain and horrors he has made me endure growing up and I felt sorry for him. No man deserves to have his independence ripped from him. In my opinion, it is just as bad as a man having his sense of pride stripped from him.
Last October I was in the living room with my dad and he started screaming my name... I turned and I found him grabbing his heart area and the look of absolute fear in his face is one that will haunt me forever. I immediately called 911 and lied him down on the floor but when the ambulance came, he was as still as a log... almost dead. At that point in my life, I was actually starting to forgive my dad as well. I was starting to believe that he wasn't the monster that I always thought he was. I was honestly waiting for his birthday so that I could tell him "Dad I love you and I forgive you" for the first time in my entire life. But no, that never happened.
Instead I just stood there as the paramedics were shocking his chest. 1, 2, 3, clear - shock. I hit that point where nothing else mattered, any sounds were ignored and all I could hear was the counting and failed shock attempts to revive my dad. I wanted to look away, tell myself.. "No... this can't be real, my dad isn't gone... I still have to tell him I love you" but I couldn't. I couldn't look away. Every shock I felt like a part of my soul was being ripped out of me. I felt nothing but looked on, feeling this incredible emptiness fully consume me. Watching them take my dad to the hospital with a cover over his body as I stayed home to clean what was left of the chaos at home.
My life, with everybody telling me how sorry they were for my loss, I didn't care about all that. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I pushed my girlfriend out of my life and she tried so hard to help me go through this. Those walls that I was getting ready to break down for my dad were higher than ever... I felt alone. I would cry myself to sleep every night and I was haunted by the images of watching him pass as I helplessly stood by. I felt like I was just a mere shadow of what I once was, and my biggest regret to this day is that I never did once get to tell my dad I loved him. That still hits me hard...
Up until 2 weeks ago, I was feeling like this, completely empty and quite honestly. I was going to "Commit" (im sure you know what I mean by that).
Everything changed for me when I actually took my interpersonal communications class. Honestly, I was so terrified because everyday I was thinking about how I would commit. I was SCREAMING for somebody to help me on the inside but the words never came out.
But in my exams, I was able to leave little hints to my speech teacher that I needed help. He responded only through feedback to my exams but honestly, on Aug 3rd when I read his feedback, he stopped me from actually fulfilling the plan I had. That was supposed to be the day I took my own life, the day I let everything boil over because I couldn't handle it anymore. I would no longer be able to do anything else on Earth. What stopped me? I am sure he doesn't know but he said one thing that honestly changed my life at that point. He said, "Hey Jonathan, I know I could NEVER relate to how you feel about your loss, especially in the way it happened to you. But if there is one thing I know, it is that you have A PURPOSE on this planet. If you ever feel like you don't you push that bad voice out of you and you come straight to me - day or night call me and I will answer for you. Jonathans have to stick together."
When I read this, I felt like the whole world's weight was lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in my life, a complete STRANGER who I only let know just a small amount of my personal life showed me something that all my other family members hadn't. That he genuinely cared about me. Unlike him, my family was more interested in my inheritance from my dad and it hurt me so much. But to sum it all up, honestly... if you feel that you are alone in the world and that everything is crashing down on you... I don't blame you. I could go on for hours about my story and every detail but I don't have the time.
If you feel like you need help, SEEK SOMEONE OUT. I used to be an incredibly introverted person because of my childhood and it was hard. But once I did, by leaving little messages to my teacher... he opened up doors I thought would never be open-able again. He literally has saved my life and he has no idea how grateful I am about it. So my advice to everyone out there who is STRUGGLING and fighting their own mental battle, just know that you aren't alone. I have been there and honestly I almost ended it all. I almost lost EVERYTHING because I felt like I was nothing. It isn't like that though and it doesn't have to be. It is up to you to make the choice if you want to be helped. If that is too much, please call this number.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline : 1-800-273-8255
Ever since that day, I can confidently say that although I still face sadness from time to time. I am not as bad off as I was two weeks ago. I am currently working on rebuilding my life and also my social life. So far the future looks bright for me and I can attribute all that to my decision to ask for help in the smallest way possible. Just never lose hope everyone - there always is some to go around even when you feel like there is nothing left. Trust me, I've been there
-Hope
Online Add my discord Hope#0770 if you want a service!